just here

the year's almost over and i still haven't found you. a very good friend, my bestfriend, once told me that when you stay in just one place long enough, destiny will find you. should i stay, or should i start finding other places to settle in? if you have your fears, i have mine too. i fear that i might not be what you want for a life partner. i fear that i might not be good-looking enough for you. i fear that you will be embarrassed by the social status of my family -- that you might want someone coming from a prominent family. we are not rich, but we are not poor either.

just this Christmas, my grampa told me to marry someone from our place and not an "outsider" as he puts it. and then he said my guy should not be a drunk, a gambler, or a womanizer. then he went on to tell me that i should treat you right; that whenever i lose my temper, i should follow the 2-minute rule -- i can get angry then after two minutes, let the anger go. i get all these kinds of talk with my elders, they want me to be THE one for you. so you see, it is not only me who is preparing myself for you, but my whole family. even if they do not know who you are or what you are, they are already telling me to treat you right. i can only pray that you will find me.

after the test with the signs manifesting in one guy, and really allowing myself to fall for him then huring in the end, i am drawing the line. i no longer need signs, i no longer need assurances. i no longer need you. i am giving up. it's your turn now. it's your turn to work on this, to find or make your way to me.