just here

the year's almost over and i still haven't found you. a very good friend, my bestfriend, once told me that when you stay in just one place long enough, destiny will find you. should i stay, or should i start finding other places to settle in? if you have your fears, i have mine too. i fear that i might not be what you want for a life partner. i fear that i might not be good-looking enough for you. i fear that you will be embarrassed by the social status of my family -- that you might want someone coming from a prominent family. we are not rich, but we are not poor either.

just this Christmas, my grampa told me to marry someone from our place and not an "outsider" as he puts it. and then he said my guy should not be a drunk, a gambler, or a womanizer. then he went on to tell me that i should treat you right; that whenever i lose my temper, i should follow the 2-minute rule -- i can get angry then after two minutes, let the anger go. i get all these kinds of talk with my elders, they want me to be THE one for you. so you see, it is not only me who is preparing myself for you, but my whole family. even if they do not know who you are or what you are, they are already telling me to treat you right. i can only pray that you will find me.

after the test with the signs manifesting in one guy, and really allowing myself to fall for him then huring in the end, i am drawing the line. i no longer need signs, i no longer need assurances. i no longer need you. i am giving up. it's your turn now. it's your turn to work on this, to find or make your way to me.

falling out, slowly falling out

the past months had been hard on me. well, not all were bad, but mostly. i took a trip overseas and it was great, and i made a lot of fond memories. i am now thinking of maybe working on my papers to really go overseas. it was a business trip and my patience, my maturity, and my work ethics were really tested. don't worry, i came out of it just fine. it was also a chance for me to reflect on my life and this guy who i thought was you. you see, when i asked God to send me you, i asked for Him to help me identify you. i asked for three signs. those three signs were revealed and now, since then, i never had a moment of peace. well, until i made the decision to just let go of the though that i was in love with him. what happened was, the signs manifested through this person that i never would've considered as you. to cut the long story short, i have fallen for him. and don't blame me for this, please. agony---that's how i describe it. he's in love with another girl. i have made the decision to just forget about him and the signs and all the coincidences that had been happening. i don't want to fall for the wrong guy so please, please show yourself or just make your presence felt!!! i am so angry that i have to go through all these things while you just live your life the way you want to. i'm almost tired and i'm on the verge of giving up!!!

the letter

somebody told me to look up "a letter for the one God has prepared for me" and it reminded me to "visit" you. i'd been silent for quite some time now because of work. days ago, i was in a conference with people from work, 2 of them very special. Dominic was able to join us only on the last day. but i was lucky to be with a new friend who kinda served as Dominic's "replacement".

this new friend i have is quite something. he always seems to have the energy to pester me, but it's okay because i always find a way to counter. for a city guy, i was surprised to learn that he listens to country music, although to some select artists only. :) he's fun to be with and he doesn't have this air of arrogance that most city people have. he's also one that you can have an intellectual conversation with. at one point in the conference, he mentioned that he'd always wanted to go bungee jumping or skydiving. this reminded me of tim mcgraw's "to live like you were dying". Just in case you don't know the song, here are a few lines:

and he said: "I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
i went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
and he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin'."

do things that you've always wanted to do. go places, savor every moment of it. meet new people, make some friends.
i hope that you will live every single day of your life to the fullest. and i also hope that day will come when we will finally have the chance to spend the rest of our lives together.

don't lose hope in finding me----because i haven't.